Happy Birthday
by Hide In Darkness
Summary: It's Severus' birthday. - WARNING: mentions of child abuse
1. Chapter 1: Seventeen

Warning:

mention of character death that might not be canon

Author's Note:

Finally a birthday fic...

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Happy Birthday**

Severus lay on his bed in the Slytherin dormitory, staring into nothing. It was a day just like any other, he didn't understand why everyone made such a fuss about their birthday.

Rosier had congratulated him this morning, Lucius had even sent a letter. Neither had mentioned it, but he knew why they were suddenly so nice to him. He was seventeen now, an adult, allowed to perform magic outside Hogwarts. Old enough to join the Death Eaters. He had already told them not to bother him with that matter as long as he was in school. It was stupid to even think about running around with the Dark Mark here. Dumbledore turned a blind eye on a lot of what was going on in Slytherin, but he would not ignore that. Not that he would actually care about the student, he would just put down an enemy before he could do any damage.

So, he could perform magic as he liked now. He had been looking forward to this day so long. To finally be able to _do_ something. Protect his mother, take her and leave his father. Now it didn't matter anymore. Now she was dead. She had fallen down the stairs and broke her neck in the process. There had been a fight with some burglars, the officials had claimed. He almost snorted at the lie. Honestly, who was dumb enough to actually belief someone would brake into their house? As if there was anything of value to gain. There had definitely been a fight, that much was true. But not with a stranger.

No, there was nothing to celebrate for him. Not today, and not on any other day. 'Happy birthday', people wished each other. He had no reason to be happy, though. About what? That he survived another year? He couldn't care less. Or that he could move out now? Make his own living? There was nowhere to go for him. Not in the wizarding world and definitely not in the muggle world, where he was still a minor, anyway. He had no choice but to go back to Cokeworth one more summer. He shuddered at the mere thought of it.

He had skipped breakfast this morning, in favour of... well, being alone. But he couldn't stay in the dormitory forever, even though it was a Sunday. With a sigh he got up, went for a shower, got dressed. Half an hour later he left the comforting darkness of the dungeons. The entrance hall was unusually bright today, but at least empty. It was late enough that everyone had found something to do. Severus himself had some research for History of Magic waiting for him. Later.

He wasn't sure why, but something made him go outside. There he realized why it had been so bright inside. Fresh snow had fallen over night, another few inches. Severus didn't mind it, though. It made everything look peaceful, calm. He had always enjoyed walking through the snow. Not only because it meant being away from home.

But here, right in front of the castle, there was no sign of peace. Somehow it seemed the entire school had come outside to have a giant snowball fight. They were running around, shrieking, laughing, having fun. He spotted Lily in the middle of the fight, enjoying herself. A small smile crossed his lips at the sight. She didn't notice him, nor did anyone else. Good, he had no intention to get involved.

Severus turned away and made his way to a remote part of the grounds, on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Hardly anyone ever strolled this far from the castle. In warmer months he had often studied here with Lily.

He sat down on a small boulder, after he had cleared it from snow. A wet backside would be too embarrassing to walk around with. The scenery could be described as beautiful, if you were the kind of person to care for beauty. Only a few clouds peppered the otherwise clear blue sky. The sun reflected on the snow, making it almost blinding to look at. The trees were thickly covered in snow. On the edge of the forest at least, farther in the blanket would be thinner. The scene reminded him of another of his birthdays, in his second year at Hogwarts.

 _Severus walked along the shore of the lake. He enjoyed the silence around him, the last few days had been stressful enough. As soon as school had started again after the Christmas holidays, every single professor had decided to drown them in homework. Potter and his gang had returned with new ideas to make his life as uncomfortable as possible. No, to say the last few days had been relaxing was a lie._

 _'Hey there!', Lily called from behind him. Startled he turned around, he hadn't noticed her approaching. 'What are you doing out here, alone?'_

 _'Taking a breath.' Escaping from the constant presence of others around him. It was one of the few things about Hogwarts he didn't like. That there was always someone around. There were days when he even felt trapped inside. But today he had finally found a moment to slip out and be on his own. Lily didn't count, of course, he didn't mind her presence. Sometimes it was soothing just to be near her._

 _She nodded. Severus doubted she understood what he meant, how precious these little moments of loneliness could be to him. But she accepted that he needed them, it was all that mattered to him._

 _'But it's your birthday. No one should spend their birthday alone!', she pushed nevertheless. He rolled his eyes in answer. Of course she wouldn't forget about that. At least she hadn't brought a present. They had agreed not to make gifts to each other. Mainly because he couldn't afford it and didn't want to be in her debt. At first she had tried to argue, she wouldn't mind. After some time she had let it drop, thankfully._

 _'I'm not alone, am I?', Severus said, winking, a half-smile on his lips. Now it was on Lily to fake annoyance. Suddenly a wicked grin crossed her face. Oh no, not a good sign, especially not in winter, with snow lying around._

 _'Well then, let's have a snowball fight!' Not an invitation, more of an order. He didn't really have a choice either, as the first snowball came flying at him almost immediately. It was a narrow miss, but he couldn't just let that sit on him._

Severus didn't know whether to smile or be sad on this memory. Smile, because they had had a great time. True, they had been soaked and freezing afterwards, but it had been fun, absolutely worth it. Sad, because it would never happen again.

Suddenly he realized how cold it had become. How long had he been out here? It had even started to snow again. Time to go to the library, then. History of Magic was due on Wednesday and he had barely started his essay.

His moment of peace for the day was over, now work was calling again. After all, birthdays were just like any other day.


	2. Chapter 2: Eleven

Warning:

The usual, I guess: dark, child abuse, you know what I write (if not, that's basically it)

Author's Note:

I have a book tip for you! If you like the kind of stories I write, read A List of Cages by Robin Roe. It's painful and heartbreaking, but amazing! Not even I am that cruel to my characters. The day I finished it was pretty shitty (aka the day I started this ff aka yesterday). So, look it up and enjoy!

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **Happy Birthday**

As he'd expected, his letter had arrived today. On his eleventh birthday, just as his mother had told him. He'd been looking forward to it, of course he had! Just... It was a difficult subject at home.

At least it had arrived early in the morning, when no one was awake. Or, at least, no one who had drunk himself senseless the evening before. Severus had barely slept. Not due to excitement, though, but... exhaustion. It was hard to rest, relax, when every single bone ached. And everything else, too.

Thus, lying awake, he'd heard the soft hooting noises coming from the street outside. He'd quickly dressed and gone upstairs to get the letter from the school owl. He hadn't really taken in what was happening around him. Looking back, he wasn't even sure what breed of owl it had been.

Now he sat at the tiny table in the small kitchen, staring at the envelope. Waiting. What for he didn't know. Maybe for his mother, to come downstairs and congratulate him, read the letter with him. Maybe even for his father, to get it over with. The shouting, the fighting, the... usual.

He didn't want to open it, but he didn't dare take his eyes off it either. Thus, when his mother entered the kitchen, minutes or hours later, she found him still staring at the sealed envelope.

'It already arrived?', she asked softly, and a little astonished, startling her son who hadn't heard her coming. He only looked at her, then nodded slowly. She walked over and sat down next to him. 'Happy birthday, dear.' A small smile crossed her thin lips. Again, he nodded. 'Don't you want to open it? Read what it says?'

'I... I don't know', he said hesitantly. He already knew what it would say. Lily was so excited for her letter, counting the days until her birthday. Only three more weeks. He'd promised her they would go together, but he'd never been sure of it.

First, it was expensive, though his mother had assured him she had saved enough to cover the costs. Barely, but enough. And then there was the matter of his father. He wouldn't allow it, Severus was certain. Not another freak in his house. He only tolerated him being magical because he couldn't change it. Though, _tolerate_ was probably the wrong word. And he definitely tried to change it, with no success.

'No one can take this away from you. Receiving the letter, reading it for the first time', his mother encouraged him. She almost sounded as if she had gotten _her_ letter. It brought some of his excitement back. 'Come on, now. Just open it.'

With shaking hands he broke the seal, the Hogwarts crest, took out the pages, smoothed them. The words swam before his eyes, but that didn't matter. He'd been accepted. Otherwise the book list wouldn't had arrived with it.

When he looked up again his mother smiled at him. He couldn't bring himself to return it. 'Isn't this wonderful? You're going to Hogwarts!'

'No, I won't', he said, resigned, his voice barely more than a whisper.

'What do you mean? Of course you will.' Her smile faltered, crumbled.

'You know father won't allow it.'

She sighed. 'I'll talk to him. He can't just deny you the education you deserve. The education you need.'

'Mom...' He knew how that would end, they both did. He didn't want her getting hurt on his behalf. Not even on his birthday. _Especially_ not on his birthday! But before he could continue, his mother interrupted him.

'Now, go and tell Lily. Enjoy your birthday!' She didn't want him around, didn't want him to interfere, trying to protect her.

'It's Saturday, she'll still be asleep', he tried to argue. It wasn't even 8 a.m. yet, still mostly dark outside. Lily had no reason to be awake so early. His mother wanted to hear none of that, though.

'Go! And take your shopping list with you.' _Save it from father, in case he burns the letter._ He stared at her a little while longer before he finally gave up and stood. It made no sense anyway. He would just come home earlier than usual. She went with him to the door, making sure he truly left. A smile that was meant to be reassuring was on her face as she waved him goodbye.

No one in their right mind would leave their house at this hour if they didn't necessarily have to. Not in winter, not in this part of town. _Then again, it is probably saver out here than in there_ , Severus thought as he walked through the streets. It was freezing and his old coat didn't do much to keep the cold from creeping into his bones. He shivered violently, his muscles reminding him that they didn't appreciate the tension. By the time he reached the playground, his back _hurt_ , like really. Breathing too. A broken rib and cold air wasn't a pleasant combination.

He'd decided to wait here for some time before he would go on and appear at Lily's doorstep at a more reasonable hour. He blew his breath into his cupped hands, then rubbed them together. He needed to stay warm. Lily would be upset if he froze to death out here.

The playground lay a bit higher than most parts of Cokeworth, so at least he could watch the sunrise to distract himself. Because _of course_ the sun was shining today, not a single cloud visible. He could almost hear Lily and her cheerful voice. _'The sun is only shining for you today. Isn't that wonderful.'_ He hated it when the weather mocked his mood. He could appreciate the sunshine when there wasn't so much for him to worry about.

When he decided it was late enough to try his luck, he made his way over to Lily's house. He was still cold when he arrived, but the sun and the walk had warmed him enough so he wasn't shaking too bad anymore. He rang the bell and waited patiently for someone to answer the door. At least Mrs Evans should be awake by now, preparing breakfast, he guessed. He was a bit taken aback, though, when it was Mr Evans who opened it.

'Ah, Severus! Happy birthday!', he practically shouted when he saw him. He gawked at the man. How did he know? And why did everyone insist it was a happy day? 'Lily told us', he explained. Of course.

'Thank you, sir', he answered, not wanting to appear impolite. An involuntary shiver ran through him.

'Oh dear, I'm sorry. You must be freezing. Do come in, before you catch a cold!', Mr Evans stepped aside and let him in. He took off his coat before Severus could do anything about it. Fortunately, today he wore an almost fitting, long-sleeved sweater that covered all his injures sufficiently. 'Come, I'll get you a nice warm cup of tea. Breakfast should be ready soon as well. You're very welcome to join us, of course.'

Damn, he should have taken that into consideration. He absolutely hated eating in front of others. 'Thank you, sir, but I'm fine.'

'Nonsense. Go ahead to the kitchen, I'll wake the girls. I think I heard some noise from Lily's room a few minutes ago.' Mr Evans gently shoved him in the right direction, making him flinch a little. Fine, he had no choice. At least he could offer his help.

But when Mrs Evans was done showering him in birthday wishes and hugs, which resulted in him tensing even more, she vehemently refused, instead pushing him down on a chair at the table and placing a steaming cup in front of him. 'No no no, you focus on getting warm first. And then Lily will keep you occupied. No time for helping me here', she said, grinning.

Indeed, a few minutes later, Lily came rushing into the room. The tea was still too hot to drink, so he just held the cup in his now warmer fingers.

'Sev!', she called so loud that the neighbours had probably heard her as well. 'I didn't expect you here so early, thought you'd stay in bed longer.'

'I couldn't sleep.' It was probably the only occasion when he could say that. On any other day it would have led to raised eyebrows and maybe even nasty questions.

'Understandable. Happy birthday!' The fourth person to congratulate him. At least she would be the last. She sat down next to him and leaned over, whispering in his ear. 'Did it come?'

He nodded, then added quickly and quietly, 'Later.' She hadn't told her parents so far, said she'd rather have the Hogwarts representative do it, thus he couldn't talk about it here anyway.

'I have something for you', she exclaimed happily. 'Later', repeating his word.

'Lily...', he started, a tired strain in his voice. They had agreed not to give presents to each other. Mainly because he couldn't give her anything and felt guilty about it. Being poor was humiliating.

'I made it myself, so it doesn't count', Lily insisted. To him it did count, but he didn't want to bring down her mood, so he kept silent.

Mr Evans entered the room, just as his wife placed the last dishes on the table, followed by a tired looking Petunia. She sneered at his sight, but didn't say anything. Still he avoided looking at her. When they all sat, they started eating. Severus was glad he still had his tea. Maybe no one would notice as long as he took a sip every now and then. Indeed it seemed to work. At least for a while.

'So, what are you doing today?', Mrs Evans ask after refilling her own cup for the second time.

'I don't know. Mom wants me home a bit earlier, but apart from that I didn't plan anything.' Actually she wanted him home as late as possible without breaking the curfew, but they didn't have to be aware of that.

'Great', Lily threw in. 'Then I'll have you to myself all day!' He sighed, but gave her a small smile. She grinned in response. Then, noticing his untouched plate, she asked, 'Aren't you hungry?'

'I already had something at home.' Hopefully they would buy that. He didn't want to have any long discussions over that topic. But they accepted it.

* * *

After breakfast he went upstairs with Lily to her room. Again, her mother had insisted they didn't need to help her. Lily closed the door behind him, then looked around her room. 'Now, where did I put it?', she mumbled under her breath. She went over to her desk, pulled open a drawer and took something out, then came back to him. 'Here, for you', she said and handed it to him.

It was a painting. Two people in front of a huge, magnificent castle. A black-haired boy and a red-haired girl. The two of them at Hogwarts.

'That's amazing. Thank you, Lily!', he breathed. He had never really imagined what the castle would look like, instead concentrated on what they might learn. Her imagination was stunning.

'I'm glad you like it.' She was watching him with her somehow ever present smile. 'Now, you said your letter arrived...' Seemed like she wasn't willing to wait any longer with her interrogation. Well then...

'Yes. Early in the morning.'

'And? What did it say?' She sounded excited, maybe a bit nervous. She was eager for him to tell her every last little detail.

'I've been accepted.'

'Of course! But what else?', she pressed on, craving every bit of information she could get her hands on.

'You'll find out soon enough', he teased her. It wasn't that he had read much more than that anyway.

'You're mean', she complained, playing annoyed. Not for long, though. 'Did it really arrive by owl?' He nodded. 'What kind of owl?'

'I don't know.'

'You don't? Didn't you see it?'

'Sure, but it was pretty dark.' To appease her, he added, 'I brought the book list, though.'

'What? And you're only telling me this now? May I see?' He fished it out of a pocket in his pants and gave it to her. He hadn't looked at it so far, either, so it was a first they could share.

* * *

Half an hour later they still sat hunched over the list. Most of them he knew, those his mother had used back in her own school days. She still had them, safely hidden away in the attic, where his father didn't bother to go. Time to get them down from there for him to use. He had read them all at least once, back in the days when his father had still been away the whole day, and sometimes the night too.

'Do all the authors have such funny names? This is ridiculous', Lily chuckled from beside him.

'Hm...' He hadn't really listened to what she had said, his thoughts suddenly back home, with his mother.

'Sev? Something on your mind?', she asked, now a little concerned.

'Huh? No, it's nothing.'

'That's a lie. What is it?' She frowned at him. Of course she didn't belief him. She never did when he said it was nothing. But most of the time she just let it go.

He waited for a long while, contemplating what to say to her without revealing too much. 'I'm not sure what my father will say about the letter. If he's willing to allow me attend.'

'Don't you think you can convince him to let you go?' He wasn't really hopeful there. Didn't dare to.

'Mom's trying.' Then, slowly, carefully, he added, 'They're probably shouting at each other right now.' He wanted to sound casual, like it was no big deal.

'Do they argue often?', Lily asked, equally carefully. He just shrugged. The arguing wasn't the problem, after all. The aftermath was. What he knew was waiting for him this evening. 'You never mentioned it...'

'It's not important, really. Everyone does it, so what's the matter?' His annoyance at the topic started to sound through his voice, though not intentionally.

'Alright, alright, I didn't mean to intrude on you.' It was obvious she wasn't done with her inquiry yet, but she would drop it for today. He still felt her eyes on him for a while longer, before she brought the subject back to her original question. 'Seriously though, what are those names? They sound more like pseudonyms than real names.'

* * *

Time was passing way too fast for his liking. Sometime around noon they had left the house. He'd been restless inside and started fidgeting. Lily had taken that as a clue to go outside. Soon their way had led them to their little clearing. The ground was frozen and the trees had lost their leaves months ago, but it was still their place. She had brought a blanket so they could sit down. They talked. About this and that, about Hogwarts and how different it would be from muggle school. They complained about their current homework and upcoming tests and that they would definitely enjoy their magical homework a lot more.

But all too soon it was time for Severus to go home. He dreaded what he would find there, but tried not to let it show. He said his goodbyes to Lily, then made his way back. He could practically feel his mood drop with every step he got nearer. He kicked at some rubbish littering the streets and put his hands in his pockets to pretend they weren't trembling.

He rounded the last corner and stopped dead in his tracks. At the end of the street, in front of his house, stood his father, smoking. He didn't smoke often, but when he did, it was usually a sign he was very angry. Severus swallowed hard. Should he turn around and come back later? But his father was looking at him, had already seen him. He swallowed again, then continued walking, keeping his eyes on the dirty cobblestone. When he was close enough to smell the smoke, he slowed down, stretching out the last moments as long as possible.

'There you are, you little coward', his father greeted him and grabbed his arm. Hard. 'Leaving your useless mother to defend you, how pathetic', he sneered in his ear. Then he dragged him inside, closing the door with a loud bang, and to the living room. Severus struggled to keep up, but didn't fight back.

In the middle of the room he was pushed to the floor and ordered to stay there with a kick to his already bruised side. He saw his mother in a corner, cleaning up something, looking at him apologetically. He looked away.

'Didn't I already tell you I don't tolerate your freakishness around my house? Didn't I?', his father shouted at him, aiming another kick at his ribcage.

'Yes, sir', he whispered in answer, trying to sound submissive.

'Shirt off!', came the bellowed order, followed by first retreading, then returning footsteps.

He closed his eyes, bracing for the pain. He didn't have to wait long.

* * *

A/N: Happy 60th birthday, Sev.

Will be subjected to editting over the next few days, so please forgive any mistakes. I needed it out today. Pretty close now, anyway, four minutes to midnight...


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